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Levi and I are back home after our honeymoon. We had a real nice time together…I’m sad it’s over but I’m happy to be home. I go back to work Monday and I’m not really looking forward to that…but I gotta make the monies.

Yesterday I learned some disheartening things. I was researching when to test for pregnancy if you don’t have regular menstrual cycles. I was talking to some women on a message board and they made me realize something is most likely up with my reproductive system because I haven’t had a period in 4 months. I felt kinda stupid thinking nothing was wrong…but I thought I was still ovulating because I was getting “fertile” cervical mucus every month. I guess you can still get that CM without ovulation…and I know no ovulation = no pregnancy. 😦 I called my OBGYN and talked to the nurse…it’s possible I have Polycystic ovary syndrome. I have an appointment the 28th of this month and I’ll know more then but basically what I know now is it’s probably going to be harder for me to get pregnant than I expected.

Ugh.

It’s frustrating because I’ll go back and forth in my head; “I’m ready to be pregnant, I can do this, I’ll only feel sick for a few weeks, I might not feel sick at all”

“There’s no way I can go through with this, I’m going to feel sick and be vomiting consonantly until I give birth”

I feel like the only way I’m going to be able to do this is JUST DO IT and deal with each day one at a time…throwing in this possibility of difficulty just getting pregnant throws a wrench into everything. *sigh*…my stomach hurts.

I just need to not get discouraged…I’m still going to take this one step at a time and deal with each hurdle one at a time…whether it be some problems getting pregnant or waking up one morning feeling nauseated.

…one step at a time…

Nervous…a little scared…

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So this evening I told Levi I wanted to have sex with the purpose of trying to get pregnant. My stomach turned a bit just typing that out again…but I’m feeling okay right now. We did and I know it’s not for-sure that we’re going to get pregnant but it was a big step for me. I feel like I just needed to DO IT…stop thinking and worrying about it and just do it. I am scared. My stomach is doing flip-flops…but I really don’t want this illness to control my entire life…and I feel terrible already with how it affects Levi…there’s no way I’m going to let my Emetophobia keep him from being a father.

Introduction…

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I’m Rachel…24 years old, pharmacy tech, married since December 2011, living at home with my parents & husband. I’ve had Emetophobia (definition: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emetophobia) my entire life. I don’t know how old I was the last time I vomited but I’m going to guess it was more than 10 years ago. I’m going to use this blog to write about my emetophobia and my husband and I’s attempts to get pregnant. Right now I’m laying in bed at a hotel, my husband are on our honeymoon. We recently had unprotected sex for the first time. Our whole relationship I either was taking birth control or we used some other form of contraception. My husband and I want a child and I do want to get pregnant but I am beyond terrified. I hope this isn’t too “graphic” for anyone, but the first thought that popped into my head after my husband had “finished” inside me unprotected for the first time was “I need to get this out of me! I’m going to get pregnant and that means 40 weeks of basically having the worst stomach flu ever! I can’t do this!” I’m very upset with myself. I should be enjoying this experience…I should be excited…happy…but I feel sick to my stomach. In my head pregnancy = nausea/vomiting. It’s as simple as that. I have searched the web for women like myself and I have read lots of different stories about emetophobics and their pregnancies…most of them leave me feeling encouraged. I feel like I need to print out these stories and wall paper my house with them to help with the negative thoughts and feelings that flood my head. So I’m going to use this blog to ramble I guess…Levi and I aren’t pregnant yet so we’re starting at the very beginning with this and I’m hoping somehow getting these thoughts out are going to help with this whole process. I’m also hoping other emetophobics will find this and will either be able to offer encouragement, or will be encouraged.